Let me introduce you

For Halloween of 2011, my 2-year-old son informed me he was going to be Buzz Lightyear and nothing in the world I could do would change his mind.  We searched everywhere and couldn't find a Buzz costume in his size.  Long story short and thanks to Facebook, Dan's cousin Christy came to the rescue.  She mailed her son's Buzz costume from Vermont and even included a card and cheese and maple syrup.  Not only was I grateful my son's dream was realized, I was super impressed by her willingness to go the extra mile for a boy she hadn't even met.  Fast forward a little over a year.  When Dan and I were trying to find a name for our newest addition, we were looking through Dan's genealogy binder and decided Eliza Jane was the best name in the book.  Then we got Uncle Jim and Aunt Mel's 2012 Christmas card and were reminded Jane's first name was Eliza.  I wrote Christy and thanked her for helping narrow down the list.  She said she had fallen in love with it when she did a genealogy project for her dad but said it wasn't off limits for us and that another cousin, Cassie, really liked it too.  Christy said she loved the name Natalie, which made me feel good because Christy has way more style than I do.  Now that I've introduced you....

On Saturday morning (November 16) at 11:07 Dan was running errands and sent me this:  "Check Facebook baby Jane is in hospital, she stopped breathing last night."

After reading Katie's status, I immediately gathered the children to pray. I was worried but hoped for the best.     Later, as I grabbed Dan's phone to get directions to Juliana's birthday party our children had been invited to, the page was still up and I read those awful words.  Jane had died.  I was shocked.  Dan immediately began to sob.  I cried too.  He stayed home with croupy Natalie and I'm sure held her the whole time.  As we drove to the party I had to answer the question, "Why did baby Jane die even though we prayed?"  Oh, that question caused me literal pain.  I felt like my children's entire belief in God was pinned to that question.  I could only answer, "I don't know.  (Trying not to cry.)  But I do know that God knows everything.  That He is perfect.  That He understands things we don't understand.  And that He loves us."  (Silence.)

We came walking in more than half an hour late.  It was actually quite comforting to be told I looked terrible and to be asked what was wrong.  Somehow having my neighbors realize the hurt and be willing to mourn with me was so helpful.  During all my crying sessions I have thought of the phrase from Mosiah chapter 18, "Mourn with those that mourn."  My friends have made me change it in my head to "mourn with those that mourn for those who mourn."  It was Jennifer who threw the party and she has been amazing, even sharing the memorial fund link and donating to it herself.  I am so grateful for the good people who surround me.

I am grateful for Christy's blog and Facebook posts.  Even though most of the time they make me bawl, I was crying before she began writing and I like knowing what she is saying.  There is just so much bad stuff about it being Jane.  She was so cute and had such a great personality.  She was the only daughter and granddaughter.  She was still being nursed.  She was so loved -- cherished -- and seen as a precious gift from God.  Her family had the best family photos on the planet.  Her brothers are too young to know what happened.  Her uncle had just announced they were pregnant with their first.  Her great-grandmother's sister had just died and Grandma W. knew what it was like to have a daughter die of disease.  Jane had a cousin just 5 days younger than her.  I don't know how many times I've told the story of how Katie & Christy had the best April Fool's joke ever by announcing they were pregnant with the same due date, one living in Vegas and one in Vermont.  Of course we didn't believe them, but that was the joke -- it was true.

My only condolence was that at least Jane had recently been to Disneyland with some of her extended family.  I went back to FB and looked over those pictures a lot.  I had wished we had gone with them.  I wished we had visited Vermont like Christy's posts always made me want to.  I wished my children didn't have croup so we could go to the funeral.  I wished there was something more I could do than pray and cry and donate money and send Legos to the boys.  It just doesn't seem like enough.  I felt guilty.  I felt guilty that when I saw Christy and Bryan and baby Ethan on Temple Square in 2007 I was jealous that they were all so beautiful and young and that I was still waiting for my first baby to be born.  Then I felt guilty in the fact it's not fair I have 3 little girls and they lost their only one.  I cried every time I put Natalie down for a nap or to sleep at night, imaging what it would be like to not have her anymore.  I sobbed when she woke up puking at 4am, terrified for what Christy & Bryan went through that awful morning.  Kaelah, because Natalie had croup, would often say to me, "I hope baby Natalie doesn't die."  And poor Michelle.  When Stacie & Trent came to visit we were discussing the behavior of Dan's sibling when they were young and decided Mark was the worst so I commented, "We better pray for baby Marcus."  Overhearing this Michelle got so worried she practically yelled, "Why do we have to pray for baby Marcus?!?"  Oh, I was so sorry I had joked like that.  My 3-year-old was so upset her newest cousin would be next.  I mistakenly thought that since she hadn't said anything, she was ok.  My little sweetheart is one who is willing to mourn with those that mourn even as a preschooler.