February allowed for some sweetness: I got to help with Kaelah's class Valentine's Day party while my mother babysat my other 3 children, it was our turn to teach co-op preschool and the children loved seeing Natalie crawl around more than they loved circle time, Dan finished painting the vanities we were given the girls couldn't be more thrilled, Michelle and Danny let me take a picture of them in their Minnie & Mickey outfits because "they are going to get married some day" (we've tried to talk them out of it & have given up), we got to go dancing with our friends for Valentine's Day -- one of my favorite annual traditions, our baby started crawling up the stairs like a pro, and we thought our neighbor's new Chinese restaurant was delicious (especially the red bean ice cream).
Danny and Michelle took a gym class at the rec center again, reminding us that we are so excited to take classes in a real gym this summer. The two of them also attended a Fancy Nancy tea party at the public library and had a blast. We dressed Danny up as a king and Michelle was super frilly. My mom ended up taking them b/c Kaelah had decided she didn't want to go and Danny took her place. lol. Danny also took a basketball class again at the rec center and was much better at it this time. That seems to be a difficult sport for this age group whether it is their first time or not. In February I got to lead the LHC ward's book club discussion on the book Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. That was super fun and a completely different conversation than when the LP ward discussed it the month before. I hosted LHC book club in January and really rooted to have them do the book as well to see the difference in conversation/opinions and also so I wouldn't have to read another book. It was a blast. It helped that the book was magnificent. I have wanted to read it for a long time. Dan played stake basketball and the LP team did pretty well, which made it enjoyable. The YW had New Beginnings and their camp fund raiser. Kaelah had a friend, K.M. over from school for the first time and it was neat to bring the school world into our home to watch. I'm still the scholastic reading club mom for the class and it is super easy for me now. I will probably volunteer to do the same thing if Danny has the same teacher next year.
All in all it was a good month. I was saddened that Kaelah seams to be D.O.N.E. with kindergarten and keeps asking to be home schooled. I have met with the school's counselor and we are working on ways to help. For now we send a snack for her to sneak out of her back pack and Dan and I began attending post-adoption sessions with the county family services. The first one was so good! Like Dan says, we will do our best and let God handle the rest.
Here is some of what I wrote in response:
First of all, I think this is a great topic for people to be open about. When you do open up about it, you realize just how many people out there know exactly how you feel! For instance, after we had our first miscarriage a lot of people knew we had been pregnant and they came to me afterwards and told me things like, “I am so sorry for your loss. Did you know it took us 4 years to get pregnant with our first?” Or, “I am so sorry. We lost our daughter, Rose, the day she was born.” Turns out women in the ward had had still born babies and others had babies who only lived a couple hours. I couldn’t believe it! These were wonderful, righteous women I was talking to who ended up being great moms in the end. We actually had a saying you couldn’t be in our ward unless you had trouble having children. It was a nurturing, wonderful environment to be in for our first miscarriage.
I don’t really know if there is anything you can say to your friend. A lot depends on the person. For a while I couldn’t go to Relief Society activities because I couldn’t stand some moms complaining about their children and other moms grilling me about what I have and haven’t tried. (I.e. have you tried to adopt through the church? Have you seen a fertility specialist?) I even had one mother tell me she thought I was lucky because she thought being pregnant and giving birth was a pain in the butt. That did NOT help. Luckily my visiting teacher slammed her for me so I could just sit there in shock.
Our generation seems to know this is WRONG, but once when I was talking to a woman my mother's age about my first miscarriage, she told me that she had never met a woman who had had a miscarriage and I must have had a lack of faith to bring a children into the world. First of all, 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. If she knows 5 women, than chances are one of them has had a miscarriage. Hello, I had only been back from serving an 18-month full time mission for 2 years when she said this and I was still in newly RM mode. Yeah. That wasn’t it, but it did plant an idea in my head. Was this punishment that I went on a mission after meeting Dan? Should I have married him sooner? No! And, as a matter of fact, one of the reasons why Kaelah’s birth mother chose us to be Kaelah’s parents was because BOTH of us had served missions. That was very important to her. So, if I hadn’t have served a mission, we might have had to wait even longer to become parents. And when it came to Danny’s birth mother, she wanted him to have an older sister that was adopted, so without Kaelah we wouldn’t have had Danny. And without Danny I wouldn’t have given birth to Michelle. Why?
When you have a righteous desire you do everything you can to obtain it. But sometimes letting go of that desire is the only way you’ll ever reach the point where you can have that blessing. When I had Kaelah and Danny I thought my world was perfect. Yellow house. Black dog. A girl and a boy. Picture perfect Colorado family. I simply said to God, “Well, we have one of each gender, so if you ever want us to have a third, you’re going to have to work a miracle, b/c no birth mother will pick us now.” And He did. I gave birth 9 months after saying that prayer. And Michelle is a full blown miracle. The fertility specialist can tell you there are 4 different things that prohibit me from having a full term pregnancy. You should have seen the drugs I was on to get Michelle here!
The tricky thing is, I don’t know how to get to help someone get to that point. It took me 6 months to get over the miscarriage I had after Michelle. When I was finally at a place where I could say I was happy with 3 children and I didn't care anymore, the very next month I got pregnant with Natalie. So, obviously, when we are at the point when we are truly at peace and simply trust God, He can and will do amazing things.
So, that’s what it all boils down to. Seminary scriptures: Proverbs 3: 5-6
5 ¶Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
And one from Alma:
9 Believe in aGod; believe that he is, and that he bcreated all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all cwisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not dcomprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.
I encouraged my Beehives to memorize that one last month. It is amazing how many times in my life I have had to say that one and do as it suggests. If you have a testimony of the character of God, that He is perfect, All Knowing, and loves you, you can get through anything you need to (with His help).
I don’t know if this will help you at all, but it’s just a first reaction to your message. And as a side note, adopting is not the same as having your own, so I think it is great you didn’t bring it up. Adopting is hard! So hard.
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